


Pistanthrophobia

by Maarkriifaas



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst Like You Wouldn't Believe, Distrust, Emotionally Repressed, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Peppermints, Sweaters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:43:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5654566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maarkriifaas/pseuds/Maarkriifaas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em> Well I can't forget the nights you came to me<br/>With tragic eyes and bloodshot dreams<br/>We're hopeless buried alive in what we say<br/>And we will take this to our graves</em>
</p><p>~ <strong> GET SCARED, BURIED ALIVE </strong></p><p>A broken wristwatch, peppermints, and a hug that goes too far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pistanthrophobia

The abnormally cold morning wind blew in every direction, his black hair whipping from one side to the other as the rain pummelled and beat down against the sidewalk angrily. Instead, of shivering, he looks up at the sign, making sure he's walking into the right place. The hand-painted wood practically glows in the rising sunlight that breaks through the thick clouds, droplets gleaming like diamonds on the edges. He opens the door and enters, arms shaking and wrapped around his torso despite the soaking sweater.

"Welcome! Can I help you?" a slender, fragile-looking man asked, popping up from behind the counter suddenly. His silvery-grey hair was scuffed and messy, a pair of glasses perched unceremoniously on the bridge of his nose.

"Yes."

The owner, or whoever he is, cocks his head to the side slightly, before he seemed to remember something and disappeared under the counter again. He reappears a moment later, a bowl in his hand, and places it next to one of the watch displays. It was an unholy colour, pale green and rather unpleasant looking, with misshapen engravings in the clay. "Sorry about that. Always forget to put it out in the mornings until the first customer comes in." The dark-haired man peered quizzically over the rim of the bowl, and inside were several peppermint candies. "Help yourself," he adds hastily, kneading his hands together. "Now, what can I do for you?”

Levi's mouth barely twitches as he unclips the watch from his arm and tosses it to him. The man caught it in one hand easily, large fingers leaving slightly oily marks on the glass. He looked at the watch for a moment, then glanced back up at him. "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," he replies curtly. "That's why I brought it here."

He held it up to the light as he turned it cautiously. The second hand was frozen by the little six, one tick ahead, and the other two were halted around the four. There was no indication it had even worked properly, no halfhearted taps or whirrs that came from it; the watch was stone silent.

"Can you fix it?"

"Maybe, maybe not," he replies, and Levi hisses slightly. "If not, we have plenty of other fine watches for you to-"

"I don't want them," he interrupted, voice cold in the tiny shop. The dark circles around his eyes only made the glare more menacing. "That watch is my uncle's, and I'm very fond of it. Can you fix it?"

The clerk sighs. "I don't know. My assistant and I will look at it in depth later on. Old-fashioned things like these have a tendency to break down though, as you might expect." As he said that, a door behind him opened, and a tall, blonde figure emerged. The new man was considerably younger, face not yet lined with the wrinkles that came from years of pouring over tiny gears and triggers, though the resemblance is still prominent. He sidesteps the storeowner and unlocked the wooden latch on the counter gate, before a hand lands on his shoulder.

"Erwin, be home soon. I need your help later with this project I think," he adds, eyeing Levi.

He pouts and looks at his father for a moment before he nods his head and mumbles a well-rehearsed "Yeah, sure. Of course." Pulling his coat on, he walks past the customer and out the door. He hesitates a moment to look over his shoulder, giving a last wave as he closes it behind him.

With a click of his tongue, Levi watches him walk down the street and disappear through the store windows, before he turned back to the man behind the counter. "Your son, I presume?"

"Assistant as well, like I said. He's good, just... distracted might be the right word. He tends to dream bigger than he can make happen. Which reminds me," the old man says, adjusting his glasses slightly so they were less lopsided, "My name's Jochem Smith. I should have introduced myself earlier. You can call me whatever you like though, it doesn't really bother me." He offers his hand, which Levi shakes briefly.

"Levi Ackerman." he retorts quietly, picking at the skin on the back of his hand. "When should I be back for my watch?"

"Oh, anytime next week would be ample time for us to fix it. Erwin happens to be especially good with older types, and surprisingly, I'm far better with the more modern models," he says, a light grin on his face. "Kind of backwards when you think about it." The smile disappeared for a second as he stared at the watch pensively. "Thing is, now I'm examining it a little more thoroughly, I don't think I've seen something quite this old before, not in many, many years. How did your uncle find it anyways?"

"I don't know," he says blankly. "I got it when I was thirteen."

"Hm. And you're..? Twenty five or thereabouts?" he asks, examining his face.

"Twenty seven."

"A couple years younger than Erwin. Would you mind asking your uncle about how he got it then?" He admired the silver that curled down the sides in an intricate design. "I'm sure there's quite the story behind-"

"He's dead." His voice was blunt.

"Oh," he stutters slightly, a little flustered. "Sorry about that."

"Don't be. It happened almost fifteen years ago." His voice was steady, as though he didn't care very much either way. He was a good liar. "Next week then?"

"Yes, yes, that should be perfect, Mr. Ackerman. Until then," he mumbles, paying almost no attention whatsoever. He was so absorbed in observing the watch that he only looked up when the bell over the door tinkled ever so quietly, but by then Levi had already disappeared.

 

* * *

 

_Levi had never liked people very much, but his efforts to be social died completely the older he got, among other things._

 

* * *

 

He was true to his word; exactly one week later, there was another tinkle from the tiny bell that hung over the door as Levi stepped through again.

"Ah, Mr. Ackerman, please, have a seat," the young man behind the counter said. "I'm working on your repairs as we speak."

He saw the stool that had been set out for him, but opted out of sitting for leaning against the counter next to where he was working. It was not, in fact, the same man as last week, but his movements were still ten times as precise as anything Levi ever could have done. To the left of him was the same green bowl, this time a little fuller than before, having probably been emptied and refilled since his last visit.

"I hope you don't mind the delay, but dad has been especially careful with this, not wanting me to mess up and break it even more." He paused, and looked at him a moment. "You _don't_ mind, do you?"

"No," he lies through his teeth. He continued staring at the bowl, marvelling once again at how terribly gaudy and out of place it looked, and eventually Erwin follows his gaze.

"Help yourself," he parrots, and Levi timidly reached forward and takes one, to bepolite. He had no interest in befriending him, but he also wouldn't want to antagonize the man who was fixing something of his. The sweet-spicy flavour was harsh on his sensitive tongue, and Erwin laughed a little when he coughed at the initial taste. "Are you alright?" he asked lightly. "They can be a bit strong."

"Fine," Levi said quietly. He wasn't a huge fan of peppermint, but he was being _polite._

"Good," Erwin replies, and a moment of silence passed between them. It wasn't awkward, and there wasn't much tension, it was justthere. Erwin hummed a little as he worked, and Levi watched, the small parts being moved around again and again in a futile attempt to make it all tick together. Each time he reattached the back half of the watch and wound it up, nothing worked properly though. Finally, after about ten minutes, he gave in, putting the watch down carefully and looking at Levi.

"I'm sorry, I know it's unprofessional to not be done in time," he apologizes, "but I don't think I'll be done anytime today, and I don't think it's really fair to keep you waiting here either. You can come back tomorrow," he says quickly. "I'm certain I'll be much closer to finished by then, if not done. I'm _this_ close to a breakthrough," Erwin adds, gesturing with the distance between his forefinger and thumb.

"Sure, that's alright," he replies shortly, though every fibre in him screamed it wasn't.

"Thanks," Erwin grins, giving him a dopey look. "Hey, you want another mint before you go out, or no?"

"No thank you," he declined curtly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Erwin tried to say goodbye, but before he knew what had happened, Levi had spun on his heel and was gone. Scratching the back of his neck, Erwin slouched back in the stool and begins fidgeting with the gears again.

 

* * *

 

_That was another thing Levi started hating about himself after the incident. His need to obey and acknowledge every order he was ever given. It became more and more compulsive, and he became more and more like a robot._

 

* * *

 

The next day was about the same, Erwin sitting in his seat when Levi walked in. The stool was still by the counter. Levi did not sit down.

"Good morning, Mr. Ackerman." He seemed thoroughly absorbed in his work, not bothering to even look up as he pushed the ugly green bowl towards him. Levi reached out and took the peppermint, the smell making him hesitant despite his desire to bepolite. He popped it halfmindedly in his mouth and tried not to think about the taste, which, surprisingly, wasn't that bad.

While Erwin works, his father comes out of the door that Levi assumed lead to some back area or a workshop, his watch in hand. He scowls at his son, who is still too busy to notice him. "Erwin, don't be impolite. You should have dropped your other project to serve the client who came in."

"Sorry dad," he mumbles, clearly not paying attention.

"Who you should be saying 'sorry' to is the young man waiting here," he scolds, then hands Levi the wristwatch from under the counter. "Here you are, Mr. Ackerman. Very sorry about that. Now, Erwin," he said, readdressing him, "I hope you help him over by the cash faster than you got him his watch."

"Yeah, sure thing dad," he said, putting down his tools gently. He walked the couple paces over to the register and began punching in some numbers, the total cost displayed being close to four hundred dollars.

He sucked in a breath nervously before he passed the four bills over and waited on his change. It was steep, but, well, he couldn't just replace it either.

"So," Erwin said as he counted out the money, "how old are you anyways? Dad said you're a little younger than me, but I can't imagine you being over twenty two. And I'm almost thirty," he said, laughing nervously. "God I feel old."

"I'm twenty seven," he said pointedly, his face expressionless as usual.

"Twenty seven? So you're still in school or what?" He pushes the bills across the counter and Levi folds them neatly into his wallet.

"Yes."

"What're you studying?"

"English," he said, then added, "Middle English, and a course in literature. A couple of other side projects too, I teach a little," he admits slowly.

"Hm," he hums. "Dad took me out after highschool and taught me everything he knew. Not that I was planning on university though," he admits, and shrugs a moment. "You want to be a professor?"

"I guess. Not much else I could use those degrees for."

"Your parents must be proud."

Levi grunts. "Don't have parents." He shuffled his feet awkwardly and stares at the floor.

"So who took care of you growing up then?" Erwin asks, an eyebrow shooting upwards.

"My uncle Kenny, but he died too."

"Sucks." Erwin tore off the receipt and handed it to him.Taking a moment to observe the price, Levi winced again, then folded that up too and tucked it into his wallet. "How?"

There was a beat where the mood in the room seemed to darken immensely, Levi still clutching his wallet in his pocket.

"He killed himself," Levi said slowly. He didn't want to talk about it, but Erwin had asked, and... well really it was just morbid. Who would want to hear about that anyways?

"Oh."

There was a moment of silence where neither one of them spoke. It stretched uncomfortably until Erwin broke it with a small cough. "Well, if it makes you feel better, my dad is really just a royal pain in the ass." He laughs nervously "I bet your childhood had tons more.. uh, adventure, I guess, in it than mine would have ever had."

"Yeah, I guess." Adventure didn't make up for not having a father to ask about drugs or sex or sports or really all the things the _other_ boys knew all about through junior and senior high. Adventure wasn't a college tuition. Adventure _definitely_ didn't look good in his files. "Though I did end up in a semi-permanent foster home for a few years at one point, I was mostly just transferred around."

"I figured. With... well, you know." The fact of the matter was that older kids didn't get adopted as much as Levi knew all too well. It was left unspoken, though it hung in the air like a large, ugly green balloon. "So, I guess I'll see you later then maybe?"

"Sure," Levi said, almost certain he'd never see him again.

 

* * *

 

The door rang again the next day, footsteps coming up the short flight of stairs, but Erwin doesn't look up. The bowl is next to his head, his head buried in his arms. Only when someone tapped him on the shoulder did he peer upwards, sleep-heavy eyes blurring his vision.

"Good morning."

"Huh?" He shook his head as the face came into focus a little better, eyes grey and bright in the sunlight that came through the window. "Mr. Ackerman? I thought you were here yesterday? Hold on, let me get your watch from the-" He began to stand, but Levi pushed him back onto the stool.

"It's alright," Levi said calmly. He held up his right wrist to show him it, and the watch that was wrapped around it. It ticked easily, almost to a cheery tune, as though it hadn't made Erwin's life a living hell for the past week. "I just forgot to buy a new clasp," he explained, tapping the frayed leather around the metal buckle and demonstrating how it still didn't close properly.

"Oh," Erwin bleated, somewhat confused but accepting the watch anyways. "I guess I could have it done soon enough. Probably relatively quickly."

"That'd be nice."

"You.. don't mind waiting around a little, do you?" he coughed. "I'm not sure it even would be done anytime soon, but maybe."

"It's alright," he reassured him. "It's interesting to watch you work." Erwin sputtered a little, and Levi almost smacked a hand to his mouth for saying something that idiotic, flustering to cover his words. "Strictly just the way you can work so quickly and orderly."

"Well, it takes a little practice," Erwin agrees, having regained his composure. "Though a buckle change shouldn't be half as interesting, are you sure you don't want to walk around somewhere for a little?"

Levi shakes his head. "No. It's too cold out." He reaches forward and takes a candy from the bowl, partially to be polite, yet he's also found the flavour might have grown on him a little.

Erwin shakes out the watch a little before he works, insisting on a free polish despite Levi's protesting. He unscrews the buckle gently, as though he were performing a delicate surgery, and lays the slightly oxidized silver to the side. In its place, he puts a new clasp, shiny and gleaming like it's come straight out of a box, and Levi can't help but eye it a little. Throughout the whole ordeal however, Erwin remains uncharacteristically quiet, until he's nearing the end and almost done.

"Hey, um, Levi?" he tests, not sure how he'll react to his first name.

"Hm?" Levi nods slightly, more focused on the work being performed in front of him. Erwin puts down his tools a moment.

"I just wanted to say I was sorry for asking about your uncle yesterday. I'm also sorry if this comes out of left field, but I really had no idea."

The words themselves come as a shock, paralyzing him for a moment before he waves the gesture away. "It's fine, really. I didn't know him very well myself, he kicked it not too much later anyways." The lie slips easily between his lips as though it's been greased, and he doesn't regret it even for an instant, even when the guilt begins to pool in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

 _That's probably why he tried so hard to do certain things. Have good posture. Be neat. Be grateful for all you have. Don't lie. Think about others before yourself. Above all though, Kenny had always said to_ be polite _. That was his biggest rule, when it came down to it._ Be polite or pay for it _._

_Bullets were not particularly polite, neat, or thoughtful to begin with. But they were honest._

 

* * *

 

"So do you have many friends at school?" Erwin asks simply, his face calm and soothing. The second mint is still melting slowly on his tongue, and Levi doesn't know why he's taken it.

"No, not really." he grunted. "I was never good with people, and well, I don't like trusting them too much. Becoming friends for me is sort of like handing someone who hates you a loaded gun and expecting them not to shoot you."

"That's horrible. Why would you say something like that?" he asks, eyes wide before he looks away. "I don't think I'd even shoot someone I hated though, no matter how much I did,"

"That makes you better than most people I guess," Levi shrugs.

Erwin's fingers pull and twist together, and for a moment he seems rather uncomfortable. "...Do you really think that?"

Levi doesn't speak, but his stomach drops a few feet.

Luckily, Erwin beams again a second later, and the air becomes breathable again. "You should meet some of my friends, you might like them, and I promise they're not like that at all," he suggests, his usual bouncy attitude bouncing right back. "Hanji _loves_ the cold, I bet you could come skating with us someday around Christmas?"

"No thank you," he declinespolitely, then adds, "I don't do too well in the cold. And, well, Christmas is a busy day."

At this Erwin looks up at him in shock, because Levi is dressed in a white button-up and flimsy dress pants, and it's raining outside. Hard. With the already frigid temperatures, the water will only make things worse, so Erwin reaches to the coat hanger and drapes his own jacket across the counter.

"Take it," he says, and Levi looks a bit surprised. "I'm not going anywhere today, and you'll freeze without it."

"I can't-" he tries, but he's interrupted.

"Don't be so proper all the time. Consider it a continuation of my apology," Erwin adds, a faint smile playing at his lips. "Please?"

And that's when he notices that he's different. Because Erwin doesn't care how his posture looks when he walks in, his mannerisms, how he carries himself. Erwin cares that he's happy, that he says please and thank you because he wants to and not out of social obligation. That he accepts a coat when he's cold.

He pauses again, frozen, before he huffs in defeat. "Alright," Levi agrees finally, draping it around his shoulders and curling into the fabric.

 

* * *

 

_He couldn't even remember when it had started anymore, but it was over now. Levi stared at the body he was presented with, cold, unmoving, and ultimately too_ _still, and suddenly he pushed the government-provided consoler away. He refuses to look at either, both at him and what remains of his uncle. The thin, pursed lips, the sallow cheekbones and yellowed skin, the_ _cleaned but still all-too-present wound in the back of his skull. He didn't have to see it to know it was there. He looks like a corpse, and that's exactly what he is._

_"I'm sorry Levi," the consoler offers, but it's no use, because Levi wouldn't be caught crying in front of anyone anyways. "Funerals are always tough. You're very brave to have come-"_

_"I don't care!" he screams, and suddenly he_ is _crying, despite whatever he wants to or not. "I don't care, you get it!?"_

 _"Levi," someone says, another friends of Kenny's, or an uncle or aunt, a cousin maybe, and a hand is placed on his shoulder. He hears a hushed voice_ _coming from somewhere but he doesn't pay attention._ _Kenny had said that he_ wouldn't _leave him alone again, not ever, and yet he had gone and done it anyways. And now he knew he could never fully trust anyone not to hurt him like that again. Even with all their sympathy, none of the people here could find enough space for him in their own homes, and that was just perfectly fine._

_The more he cared, the more vulnerable he became._

 

* * *

 

He comes back the next week too. He didn't have any real reason he's come back again, but Erwin doesn't ask. They've been sitting on opposite sides of the counter, light, mindless chatter filling them empty spaces between them.

Erwin clears his throat. "You wouldn't happen to have brought my jacket?" he asks quietly. Today he's wearing a navy vest over a light blue shirt, a combination Levi hasn't seen on him before. It looks good.

"Yeah, um-"

"Good." Erwin interjects. "Keep it until you remember to bring your own, alright?"

Levi almost protests, then nods, watching him work on a pocketwatch. The gold is polished and only slightly scuffed around the edges.

Erwin grins to himself as he looks down. "This thing dates back to 1902, according to the owner. She said it was her grandmother's and she herself didn't look too young." He rubs a bit of dirt from the side and admires the engraving on the back. Levi can see the outlines of the letters from the way he holds it too.

_To my dearest Marie,_

_From today until time itself stops._

Underneath it, an etching of two angel wings travel up the sides, feathers scattered along the frame. They're rooted maybe a couple millimetres apart at the bottom, and are designed just so the topmost feathers just barely overlap. They form a perfect O, the design worn by time but still intact.

"This would have been a lovely wedding gift," Erwin says slowly. He then chuckles slightly and puts it down a moment. "Good thing he didn't go for _until this watch stops_ ," he joked, and Levi laughs a little too. Erwin seems focused on the words though, a bit too much, and he's visibly shaken.

"What's wrong?" he asks cautiously, but Erwin only shakes his head.

"Nothing, just the dedication is a bit odd. Marie..." He puts his head in his hands and sighs. "It's complicated, and unrelated anyways."

As he speaks, the twenty odd clocks on the wall all begin their routine chimes, and Levi's head snaps up. His next lecture is in half an hour, and _he's_ the one who's giving it.

"You'll have to explain next time then," he commented, taking the coat from where he'd hung it by the door. "Are you sure you don't want this back?"

"Yeah, positive. Take it," Erwin replies, head still down.

Levi shrugs. "Suit yourself."

He doesn't look up until after he hears the door close, only to see the coat exactly where it was before. Smiling ever so slightly, he walks over to where it's been folded neatly and picks it up, pausing a moment to smell it.

It smells like peppermints.

 

* * *

 

_Kenny had always found everything hard to handle. He didn't take his sister's death any better, as it turned out._

_What had confused Levi for so long though was why did Uncle Kenny take him if he reminded him so much of her? It had confused him for the past four and a half years, and as far as he knew, it would confuse him the rest of his life._

_Not that it mattered though. Kenny wasn't home much anymore, the police station called him in more nights than not, and Levi began walking home more often. It had been good for him, it had given him time alone to think about school, and friends, and all the other important constants in his life. He didn't think about Kenny much, but that was just because he'd said that constant would always be there. A weird constant for a little, but it didn't really matter. He was over that now._

_He could trust Kenny. Right?_

 

* * *

 

He doesn't show up regularly after. Sometimes though, sometimes when he's walking by or has a day off, sometimes he pokes his head through the door and sits down with Erwin again. It's on occasions like these that Levi will sit still for once, his feet glued to the bar that runs along the bottom of the chair, hands on the edge of the counter, and just listen. Somehow, one day he finds Erwin's number in his phone contacts, and his text inbox filling up.

As much as he pretends he's not cracking, he is.

 

* * *

 

It was only a week later inmid October that his decision to stop using Erwin's jacket caught up to him. Sniffling atop the stool, he cradled the mug between his knees and sipped from it occasionally. A box of tissues and cough syrup sat in place of the regular horrible bowl, and Erwin worked silently today.

Levi rests his head against the counter and closes his bloodshot eyes, sighing. The clocks ticking in the background seemed louder, and he realized it was because there was no sound coming from the back room.

"Erwin..?"

"Yeah?"

"If you don't mind me asking, where's your father? I haven't really seen him lately. Is he alright?" he inquires, eyebrows arched worriedly.

Erwin froze. His hands stiffened up and his lips pursed into a thin frown, before he set what he was doing down on the counter. "I.. don't really want to talk about it," he said quickly, closing his eyes and looking down. His eyelids quivered dangerously.

Levi didn't push his limits.

 

* * *

 

_It was back in the summer of two years before when he first noticed something was wrong. He'd stopped eating, which was only odd because he didn't stop cooking. He still sat with Levi through every meal, picking at an almost empty plate that didn't get any emptier whatsoever and reminded him to eat his vegetables, as all 'good parents' do. At the end of the day, Kenny's own vegetables would go in the garbage though, so Levi never too him too seriously._

 

* * *

 

He saw Jochem on only a few occasions after that. Once, when he'd walked into the store, he was standing behind the counter, much frailer than usual, but nonetheless there.The second time he'd been walking in to the store, he'd been outside, and Levi had waved. He hadn't noticed him then, only continued repainting the classical wooden sign. His hands had been shaking considerably.

The last time had been slightly more upsetting.

He'd been outside then too, but not even two weeks into December, three and a half since he'd last seen him, and somehow he'd ended up in a wheelchair. Erwin was pushing it, a sombre expression on his face, but Jochem looked at peace, eyes closed and wind blowing through what remained of his hair. They turned the corner and disappeared.

Levi had decided not to go in that day.

 

* * *

 

"Levi? You're awfully quiet today." Erwin looked at him quizzically, his own cup of tea on the table in front of them. It was his break, and for once he wasn't perched on an old stool like a vulture, but rather they sat in two plushy, old armchairs in the back room.

Levi looked away. "Yeah, I guess the cold is just getting to me." He was sick again, wrapped in a sweater and sniffling, butthis had nothing to do with his health.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and this time he sees the concern buried in the depths of his blue eyes.

"I-" he begins, but falls short. "I shouldn't be asking, so just never mind."

"Suit yourself," Erwin says, though he looks troubled as he leans back a little. Levi doesn't like that look on him, and after a moment he gives in.

"What happened to your father, Erwin?"

He wishes he hadn't spoken a moment later, because troubled suits him better than exhausted.

Erwin breathes in slowly through his mouth, then rests his eyes in the palms of his hands. A moment later, he trembles a little, and his arms collapse into his legs, curling in around his head. Levi realizes with a start that he's crying, and, uncertain exactly what to do, reaches over and pats him on the head.

"I'm sorry, just forget it, I-"

"Not your fault," he coughs between breaths. "He didn't even want visitors when he got closer to, well, to the the end _._ Said I should take care of the shop, as if it was more important. It was a cancer. It was already in its final stages when he was diagnosed." Erwin explains through shudders, each one worse than the last. "Pancreatic. In his lungs. His heart. Some in his brain. The CAT scan lit up like a Christmas tree, fittingly enough," he says, then hiccups, and it's demeaning only because no burly six foot two man should ever be reduced to tears. Not like this. Levi begins shaking too after a second, realizing he's almost crying as well now and furious with himself for breaking so easily.

"I'm sorry," he offered weakly again, regretting he'd ever asked.

"It's all right," he croaked, smiling a little. "He really _was_ just a royal pain in the ass," he says, laughing between hiccups now. "He- he didn't think it was worth all the money, fighting a losing battle anyways, so he just.. didn't."

"Yeah," Levi nods, and they sit quietly for a minute, the silence deafening. Neither one wants to speak however, not with the weight of the previous subject hanging over them like a shadow. Eventually, the room regains a sense of normality, the tears dried off their faces and shirts.

"It's snowing outside," Erwin murmurs quietly, and sure enough, when he looks, tiny white flakes are drifting down and settling on the sidewalk. Some cars already have a thin film of ice on them.

"It's pretty," Levi agrees. He stares out the window, the dusk sky stained pink and white.

"I guess it's good I managed to talk about it with one friend," Erwin admits slowly, and his voice has somehow become almost clear again. Levi however stares at him blankly, uncertain how to react.

"You think I'm a friend?" he asks slowly, his tone unsettling and ragged.

"Sure, why not?" Erwin shrugs, too calm and too evenly, and suddenly Levi is off the stool and reaching for hiscoat. "Hey, what's wrong? Where're you going?"

"Sorry," he says quickly, pulling a sleeve on with a sense of urgency. "I have to go. Home. _Now_."

"But-"

" _Sorry._ " he repeats, growling, the door closing quickly behind him, his black clad figure darting off and out of sight. By time Erwin gets up to chase him, the bell over the entrance has stopped ringing and Levi is nowhere to be seen.

 

* * *

 

The door to his apartment slams closed, and Levi slides down it. His phone is buzzing like crazy. He's shivering from the cold but he's not really thinking about that too hard. He _can't_ think. He can't focus on _anything_ besides that word, repeated over and over again.

_Friend._

He doesn't have friends, hasn't since before Kenny, or at least before what Kenny did. He's tried after the fact, but honestly, more often than not, he ends up disappointed, both by his incapacity to bond and their unwillingness to accept him.

_Friend. Friend. Friend. Friend._

Even before he'd been quiet, he'd been the voice that was talked over all the time. He was the one who walked behind the group if there wasn't enough space on the sidewalk. He was the one who people only listened to when they'd pissed him off, not when what he'd really needed was for them to listen to begin with. He wasn't being ignored, it just sort of _happened_ most of the time.

They weren't bad _intentionally_...

Being alone wasn't so bad though. You didn't have to worry about whether the guy next to you was thinking, what he spoke about, or if he put a gun to his skull. You only had to worry about yourself, can I make rent this month, will I be able to take on this extra project, what benefits do I gain from this? Come to think about it, Levi hasn't cared much about another human being in a long time now, and yet to his own disgust, he finds himself crying over an almost-stranger's father. Hadn't he detached himself from this?

Well, to be honest, he wasn't much of an almost-stranger anymore. _Friend._

That was irrelevant. Attachment meant weakness, susceptibility to being hurt when they left him. The same way he'd let no one sign his graduating yearbook, the same way he'd gone through senior high with 'best friends' he barely knew, the same way he didn't let anyone talk to him in classes. It was impersonal. He wasn't able to _afford_ to let people in, not when it only made him weaker. Every bit of him was screaming to stop himself, to jump off the train before it crashed, because he knew it would.

But, and some tiny part of him decided to make itself known right then, Erwin isn't _like_ them. He doesn't talk over you, in fact he waits for you to speak most of the time. He's not a bad person. Isn't that why you went back to begin with?

He face twists into a snarl when he realizes he does care, and he tries to trample that fragment down, out of his system, make it cease to exist, but it's too late. He knows it's there, no matter how much he wishes it weren't. He'd set _boundaries,_ marked out lines, and now he was erasing those lines to bring someone else in closer than any of the others. His phone buzzes again, for the millionth time, and he finally checks it, ignoring the others and scrolling to the last message.

 **From: Erwin Smith** **  
**Did I say something wrong??** **

**From: Levi Ackerman** **  
**I'm fine.** **

 

* * *

 

_The mess of metal and fire is twisted in front of him, the leather-padded insides where he was sitting just a few hours ago reduced to blackened rubble. Smoke trails into the sky, a stairway from the earth to the clouds, and Levi watches it spiral away. Reality hasn't quite hit him yet, and from the side of the road, the sky looks beautiful with the mess of white and red-yellow lights behind him._

_"Kid. Hey, kid, look at me," one of the officers says, crouching next to him. He turns his head blankly to stare at her, lost. His arms are badly scratched but otherwise he's miraculously unharmed, that is, if you didn't count the blood that stained his white dress shirt a dull crimson. "You're Levi Ackerman, right? The kid of the, er, drivers," she rushes, for lack of a better word."How old are you?"_

_He nods his head and then shakes it, looking away. Kneads his red, sticky hands together and thinks about nothing, then shrugs. It's as though every gesture he knows wouldn't be enough to explain what was happening right now. He can't feel his toes, fingers, legs, arms, his entire body is swirling in void._

_"How old are you, kid?" the cop asks again, and Levi shrugs for the second time. His eyes are glassy._

_She sighs and shakes her head, as though these things just happen too much when in reality, when has it ever happened before in her career? When did anything like this ever happen to anyone besides him? He reaches up to rub where the seatbelt had dug into his neck and his fingers come back wet. He's not sure what they're wet with._

_"You have any family around here?" she asks, and Levi only shrugs again. He hasn't seen his parents since, well, since he can't remember right now, but not that long ago. There's someone else though, somewhere, if he could just remember_ _. There'd been two casualties in the other car, and a younger woman was cut out of the remains and rushed to the hospital. Did she have family? Maybe he was thinking of her, maybe he could live with her if she was his 'family'. Or at least talk to her, someone who'd undergone the same, what was the word his mother always used again? The same... situation? Disaster? The same situation._

_"...I have an uncle Kenny," he manages finally._

 

* * *

 

Levi doesn't find himself going back soon. Not for over another week, and when he finally does, he brings a gift.

"Merry Christmas," he says, and holds out the bag. Erwin is surprised, because the shop is closed and Levi doesn't visit when the shop is closed. He has a crown of snow on his head and more fat flakes drift down all around them.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, and Levi shrugs. "Don't you have somewhere to go on Christmas?"

He doesn't answer, but a second later, he's pulled inside anyways by the arm and dragged through the store and up the stairs. It smells good, like sugar and cinnamon and pine trees, but before he can thoroughly enjoy it, he's thrown down on the couch with a _whuff_ of the cushions, a plate of cookies shoved aggressively at him. Levi's never had sweets given to him aggressively before, but as usual Erwin gives an entirely new meaning to the word never.

"Eat," he insists, sitting down next to him and handing him a cookie. "You'll always feel better with something sweet inside you."

"Thank you," he says quietly, and nibbles on the edge. It wasn't half bad. "Did you make these?"

"Who else would have?"

"I don't know, your mother maybe?" he says, and Erwin laughs a little sadly. "What's wrong?"

"My mom passed when I was born," he smiles sadly. He points to a picture of a woman that's on a shelf off to the left of the couch, and in it is a lady with a long, curly brown hair in a bun and a kind smile. Her bright eyes are full of life, and her stomach is swollen with what must have been Erwin. "It's only ever been dad and me, and dad was a terrible cook. Sometimes we got food from a family friend of ours, she still cooks for us on occasion, but..." He trails off when he realizes he said _us,_ and wipes the frown away quickly.

"I bet yourdad is happy," he thinks out loud, and Erwin gives him a funny look. Levi nods at the picture before he explains. "He's with your mother now," he says, and Erwin slowly smiles a little.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess he is."

They sit like that a sliver of a moment, neither moving, but Levi breaks the eye contact a second later. "I can't stay here for Christmas though," he says, his voice thin. "You probably have friends coming over, and.."

"So what?" he asks, beaming down at him. "They're not so bad, I mean, you don't really have to like them anyways," and then Erwin closes his eyes, because maybe Levi didn't want to stay, maybe he had other family. Adoptive if not biological, old friends or something.

"I mainly meant I'd be intruding is all," he clarifies, and all of a sudden Erwin feels a bit stupid.

"Oh don't be ridiculous!" he orders, Levi a bit taken aback but smiling ever so slightly too now nonetheless. "You're always so stoic and polite, you should knock it off sometime you know. I _prefer_ when you're blunt, it's a charm on you. Besides, I only have two friends coming over anyways, and they're pretty calm." He pauses, his eyebrows furrowed in thought for a moment. "Well, one of them is calm at least."

"I can't, I don't want to intru-" he starts to protest, unable to keep a straight face, but Erwin covers his mouth.

"You will." Levi pauses, eyes wide, then looks down with a tiny smile.

 

* * *

 

The four of them have curled together on the couch, Levi is on the edge, Erwin on his right, and his two friends next to him. A blanket covers them all, the taste of the cobbled-together-supper they ate still on the end of his tongue. Hanji had eaten the most, naturally, and she continued shovelling popcorn down while they ploughed through the Christmas movies. Mike sat on the other end next to her, occasionally managing to steal a handful before she smacked him away. Levi is sucking on a candy cane while he leans on Erwin.

They'd watched _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ , _Rudolph_ , _Home Alone_ , and a stack of other Christmas classics was piled next to the DVD player. It was only midnight, and halfway through _The Polar Express_ , when Levi began feeling sleepy. He yawns once, twice, then feels his eyelids getting heavy, which in itself is surprising.

The last thing he remembers is feeling a large hand on his head, stroking his hair gently as he drifts off. He's too tired and too comfortable to tell them to stop.

 

* * *

 

_What he hasn't told anyone yet, not even Erwin, is how the nightmares still haunt him. Not the same way that rape or "normal" childhood trauma would, a more subtle, I-could-have-stopped them kind of haunting. The yellow skin and greying all-too-fast hair and red, red dress shirts._

_And the truth is, he could have, if he'd been older, been more capable and sensible. Could have seen the suicide coming and tried to stop it, or better yet, could have told his parents how irresponsible they were being, running a red light to drive to a wedding of all things. Their safety was so much more important. He could have taken the gun out of his hands, reversed the accident in that intersection, saved five lives in one night._

_But he couldn't then, and could-haves now are only worth so much._

 

* * *

 

He wakes up the next morning in a cold sweat, a hand over his mouth to keep him from retching all over the sheets. His mouth feels putrid, the stench of fire and death burned into his nostrils, and he shakes violently. It's still dark out, but it feels like the whole world is burning.

Once he's calmed down a little and bothers to look around, he notices he's in someone else's bed, but frankly, at this point, nothing surprises him anymore. He doesn't bother to check the time as he gets up.

Erwin is lying on the couch when he walks out of the room, his face lined with stubble and the blanket from last night wrapped tightly around him. He's shivering, so Levi goes back in to get his comforter, draping it over Erwin. For a moment he's lost in a sea of white and green stripes before his head surfaces, the rest of him snuggled in tightly.

Levi walks into the kitchenette, and within a few minutes he's made himself coffee, the short beeps the only sounds in the early morning silence. He sits in the chair opposite Erwin for a moment, mug in hand, watching his chest rise and fall. The sunlight grows steadily stronger, and it feels like a small eternity later that Erwin's eyes finally flutter open.

"Mmmh...?" he groans, sitting up. "What're you doing there?" he asks, rubbing one eye with the back of his hand.

Levi doesn't respond, only sips quietly at his drink. A moment later, he shrugs and looks away. "I figured you might be worried if I'd just left," he explains, "so I decided to stick around a little."

Erwin is surprised for a fraction of a second, but an instant later he looks pleased. A shy smile darts across his face, and for some reason, Levi's face heats up a second. "Thanks."

"No problem," he says, waving him away with one hand. "Do you want some coffee? It might be cold now but I can heat it up for you."

"I'm fine," Erwin says, then adds, "But, um, you hungry? Breakfast, maybe?"

He's taken aback for a moment after. "I was just planning on leaving. I figured I should give you space."

"I didn't say anything like that," he states blankly. "Eggs or pancakes?" he asked as he stood and beats his clothes out a little.

Levi shrugs.

"Don't shrug," Erwin reprimands him as he walks past. "It's a very noncommittal gesture you know."

Levi grins, and then shrugs again. Erwin only shakes his head and tries to keep a straight face as he reaches for a pan. "Pancakes it is."

They eat quickly, spaces between bites filled with chatter of the movies and leftover conversation from last night. Levi finishes his entire plate. Levi, who's never been one to eat much, goes back for seconds, his stomach demanding more.

Finally, when they're done, and Erwin is trying to mop up the mess of sugar he's left on the counter, Levi comments, "You know, you never did open my gift yesterday."

"Huh?" he says, the package completely forgotten amidst the chaos of yesterday. "Oh, right, yeah. What did you do with that?" he asks sheepishly, his face a little red. "Now I feel guilty for not getting you anything."

Levi holds up the neatly wrapped parcel, and Erwin walks over slowly. It feels lumpy and soft all at once now it's in his hands, and he's not sure what it is anymore.

"Go on," Levi prods. "Open it."

He tears back a corner, and underneath he finds a sweater. It's a deep blue that compliments his eyes, and curled inside of it is a scarf of the same colour.

"So I can borrow your jacket without you getting cold," Levi explains jokingly. "I know it's not much, but, well they're warm, and..."

Erwin holds it in his hands for a little while, looking rather pleased with it. "You know, I've always thought that store gets a little chilly sometimes," he grins. "Not cold enough for a coat, but more drafty, you know?" He pauses, still beaming. "Thank you, Levi."

"No problem," he replies, and Erwin looks at him again.

"But now you have to tell me your birthday, so I can get you back sometime," he grins, and Levi rubs his neck awkwardly.

"Actually, that was yesterday too."

 

* * *

 

 _He doesn't remember them very well, but some fragmented memories have survived. Before_ that _incident. Before Kenny. Before the crash._ _Levi remembers these as though they were precious moments, etched deep into his skull, though really they were the most ordinary. His mother making him a cheese, tomato, and lettuce sandwich. Hanging around the swingsets with two of his friends, their parents idling by the sides._

_There is one however that stands out amongst the crowd of many. His mother is combing his hair, careful not to pull on the knots as she puts in a small braid near the side. She pushes it behind his ear and holds a mirror at arms length in front of him. "T'as l'air beau, ma cocote."_

_Past Levi pulls at the odd garment she's tied around his neck and pouts. "J'aime bien mes cheveux, mais c'est quoi cette... espèce de serviette?"_

_She kisses his head lightly. "C'est un cravat, cheri. Tu ne l'aimes pas?"_

_"Non, c'est pas ça," he huffed quietly, puffing out his cheeks. "C'est juste un peu trop serré, c'est tout maman. Et je trouve qu'il a l'air un peu ridicule."_

_"Moi je pense que ça te donne un aspect mystérieux. Te donne un air plutôt individuel, d'abord, au moins c'est ça que moi je vois quand je te regarde," she says, and then she's combing his hair into a neat parting again._ _His father wanders into the room, ruffling it as he passes, but Levi's mother is slapping his hand away a second later._

_"Vincent! I just combed his hair," she complains, and his father ruffles it again, earning a mischievous grin from him. He crouches next to Levi, and the two of them bear an uncanny resemblance when right next to each other.The only real differences are that Vincent is much taller next to the eight year old, and his face is a bit longer and thinner as well._

_"He doesn't mind, do you Levi?" he asked, a wink following in quick succession._

_"Nope!" he echoes, and then the two of them are laughing, his mother watching with a tired smile._

_"Oh, you win then," she admits in defeat, pushing his father away after a quick peck on his cheek. "Let's fix your hair again, c'est bon ma cherie? We have to leave soon." His dad doesn't settle for one quick peck though, and pulls her back again, embracing her tightly._

_"Vincent!" she yelps, her cheeks flushed. "Not in front of him!" He sees his father hold up a hand to block out their faces, and a moment later his mother is a shade of red he's never seen her turn before, embarrassed._

_"Come on, he looks fine Kuchel," his father urges. "We have to get going." They're close to each other, arms intertwined, but Levi still manages to sneak in between them, holding one hand from each parent while he swings back and forth. The three of them together are the picturesque family, the loving parents and the neatly groomed child._

_It's the last time they'll be like this in their lives, and neither him nor his parents have any idea._

 

* * *

 

The next time they see each other, there are two carefully wrapped gifts that are resting in Erwin's arms when he opens the door, and they're shoved at him as soon as he sits down.

"Open them," he urges excitedly, like an overenthusiastic puppy. "You go me stuff, so I got you stuff." One is square and bulky, wrapped, incidentally, in the same kind of paper that Levi used. The other is just as lumpy as what Levi gave him, and he already can guess what it is.

He takes the second package first, pulling at one delicately wrapped corner to reveal a sweater, as expected, he knows there's a catch to it though when Erwin can barely keep a straight face as he pulls it out.

It's as though he went out of his way to pick out the most revolting, gaudy, and nauseatingly ugly Christmas sweater. A set of reindeer prance down the arms and around where his waist would be, and it might have been considered perfectly normal had one of them not been actively trampling an old lady with her walker. In large, block letters across the front, it reads _Nothing for you, Whore,_ with a smiling, otherwise jolly Santa Claus beaming up from beside the letters. Levi isn't sure whether to laugh or stare awkwardly, but when he looks up, he's grinning like an idiot, and that's all that's important right now.

"Do you like it?" Erwin asks, and Levi nods quietly. He hums contentedly to himself as he tries it on, and it's surprisingly comfortable. The sleeves go a little farther than his fingertips, but it's alright because now he doesn't need to wear gloves.

"Open the other one," Erwin says, bouncing up and down in place. Levi looks at him knowingly, taking his sweet time to turn it upside down and shake it as if he were trying to guess what was inside.

"Are you going to just stare at the wrapping paper or what?"

Levi has forgotten all about the fact that there was something actually inside the parcel at this point, preoccupied with teasing Erwin. He takes it into his hands and doesn't bother to unfold each corner, ripping it down the middle loudly. Inside is a leather bound book, blank and beautiful. The clasp is a silvery metal, shaped delicately so a tiny dragon that curls into itself rest on top. Its long snout is open in a yawn, the tail tucked under the chin. The clasp itself is underneath, a simple hook that will seal the two covers together and make sure the pages don't get ruffled.

"It's beautiful," he murmurs, flipping through the pages. They've even been pre-numbered, in case he wanted to make a list of what could be found where. "But it's far too nice for me to possibly accept," he states blankly, forgetting it was a gift to begin with.

"Stop," Erwin commands. He's frowning, but not at Levi. "Trust me, if I'd wanted to give you something else, I would have. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have gotten you anything at all, so please."

"But-"

"No." Erwin is steady in his tone. "I won't take it back," he declares sternly, his shoulders squared in a huff.

Levi rolls his eyes and groans, something he hasn't done in a very long time. "Fine. I'll keep it, just because you're so determined to make me," he says hesitantly, then adds in a much quieter voice, "...Thank you."

"Cool," Erwin says, relaxing visibly. He gestures to the slightly withered, half-decorated tree. "Want another candy cane?"

Levi arches an eyebrow. "What is _with_ you and peppermint?" he asks, and Erwin shrugs.

"Dunno. Want one?" Erwin asks again. Levi hesitates a moment, but he reaches out and takes one anyways, the whole scene making him feel more at ease for some reason.

"Don't shrug," he says slowly, holding the candy cane from the bottom and pointing it at Erwin. "It's a very noncommittal gesture you know."

 

* * *

 

He's not sure what's wrong with himself anymore, but his thoughts drift aimlessly through his classes. He stays up late to study, listening to prerecorded lectures and reading endless textbooks, but every word goes in one ear and out the other.

_Erwin, Erwin, Erwin, Erwin._

He writes it again and again and again and again, and more often than not it's subconsciously, his new notebook peppered with the name. _Erwin, Erwin, Erwin, Erwin._ It might as well be scratched on the back of his eyelids, for all the times he thinks about it.

 _What is wrong with me?_ he asks himself, yet no one responds.

 

* * *

 

"Hey Levi," he began cautiously, hands freezing a moment and putting his tools down. "D'you.. have a girlfriend or something?"

"That came out of nowhere," he muses, taking a sip of his tea. "What's it to you?"

"Just curious." Erwin looks away quickly. He doesn't want to explain why he's really asking, so he makes it up. "I'm just thinking about something else."

"What?" he pries coyly, eyes wide. "Not like I'm going to tell anyone about it."

Erwin sighs heavily. "You remember that engraved wristwatch I was fixing a little while ago? You know, the, er.." He hesitates a moment, then looks down and blurts out the rest. "Well, the one dedicated to a Marie."

"Yeah, maybe I do," he retorts. "Get to the point."

"Nothing, nothing, there is no point really, just thinking." Levi raises an eyebrow, and Erwin blushes "About an ex of sorts," he coughs, waving him away with one hand.

"Of sorts?" Levi questions, biting the inside of his lip. "What's that even supposed to mean?"

"Well, you must have something of the same genre, you know," he explains, "like, the _big_ ex."

Levi barely moves a muscle, his pinkie finger twitching on the edge of his cup as he stares blankly at Erwin. "To be honest, I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life," he says, and Erwin's mouth is a perfect O.

"You're lying," he insists. "That's impossible, not with- ah, never mind." Erwin cuts himself short, his face tinged pink with embarrassment. "Sorry I asked."

"Don't be." Levi brushes off the comments like they're nothing, and the conversation slows to a halt again, the same way it always does after a few minutes. Erwin looks up a moment later though, his face still red.

"Does, ah, well, I mean does that mean you're a... you know," and he's nodding downwards with his chin. "Inexperienced?"

"My, aren't you being awfully personal today," Levi says, and he's careful to take a long drink right after to see how much darker Erwin's face can get. He's stuttering an apology by time he puts the cup down, but Levi ignores it. "Just because I haven't been committed to anyone for real doesn't mean I haven't had sex," he proclaims evenly.

The use of the word has Erwin covering his face with his hands. "I'm so sorry!" he exclaims. "I'm just- I'm not sure what came over me, and I-"

"It's _fine._ Stop being such a big baby," Levi sighs. He's quiet for a second that neither of them wants to interrupt, but he does it anyways. "Do you miss her sometimes?"

"A little," he admits. "But she's married now, to my best friend too. Or at least, one of my old best friends." Erwin is silent suddenly, his expression unreadable.

"Sucks," Levi states, and Erwin nods without thinking too much.

 

* * *

 

It's a month later,late January, when they next see each other, mainly because of schoolwork. Erwin wasn't expecting him to pop up at two in the morning though, and he's even more surprised to see the state that he's in.

"Hey," Levi greets him weakly, his black hair unkempt and messy. He looks like a walking, breathing, half-dead mess.

"Levi?" Erwin asks, his sleepy eyes still having trouble adjusting in the light. "What's wrong? Why are you here?"

"Can I please just come in?" he asks quietly, a little too quietly, even though he already knows the answer is yes, and he knows where the spare key is hidden too. His eyes are bloodshot, restless, worse than they usually are, and Erwinrealizes this is why he hasn't seen him recently.

"Levi, come here. What's wrong?" he urges, tugging him inside and sitting him down.

Levi doesn't speak. He shrugs instead, and the bags under his eyes become painfully clear.

"Levi, why aren't you sleeping alright?" Erwin demands. "Please. Just answer me, I have some pills if you really need them."

Levi shrugs. He doesn't want to talk about the ghosts again. He doesn't want to remember the rules.

Erwin sighs deeply, then tugs him by the sleeve in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on," he insists. "I'm putting you to sleep, ok? No ifs, buts, or whats about it, I don't care if you have some crazy schoolwork or not you've been staying up for, but this is ridiculous."

He practically throws him in the bed, tucking the covers over him and dimming the lights. Levi doesn't even protest, his eyes closed as he lies completely still, the occasional shiver coming between breaths. It's almost pitiful with his body so broken looking, his slender arms holding the edge of the mattress in a vice grip as the rest of him lies flat.

He's about to leave, figuring Levi wouldn't want him there anyways, when he hears him mumble something.

"What did you say?" he asks, turning around.

"No," Levi groans. His eyes are sharp, amber-grey in the dim yellow lighting. "Don't go. Please." He's just as shocked from his words as Erwin is, but his resolve is set. "I can't sleep. I'm not going to sleep like this and I already know it. Please stay here."

Erwin hesitates, not knowing what he's supposed to do for a moment, before he climbs awkwardly next to him. His body fits around Levi's like it was made to, and for a moment he wishes things weren't only the way they were right now.

"Good?" he asks, but Levi has already turned around and gone from hugging the mattress to hugging his chest. He inhales deeply, his face pressed into Erwin's body.

"Good," Levi breathes quietly, so Erwin reaches over to flick the bedside light out.

 

* * *

 

_The truth is that when Levi's parents held him, stroked his head, hugged him closer and wrapped their arms around him like he was their fingers, their toes, their everything, he never got enough of that. No one does. A small part of everyone wishes they could go back, be a toddler again, be completely taken care of._

_Unconditional attention. Unconditional love._

 

* * *

 

Levi wakes up to something next to his face, and a hand on his head. He probably would have shot out of bed and across the room if he had the energy, or the mobility for that matter, but as it was his body was as heavy as lead and someone else was wrapped around it.

"Morning," Erwin breathes. His chest is far too close to Levi's back, but after all they _are_ sharing a single bed, and _shit if it wasn't just a little bit weird._ Was Erwin's shirt off when they first went to bed or was that a new development?

"Morning," he replies casually, trying to hide his surprise. "I figured I'd be awake before you."

"I did too," Erwin admits, and it's only then Levi realizes that there's sunlight in the room. He can't remember if he's had any dreams. "But now we're both awake. I wish I wasn't though," he jokes.

"I do too. I preferred you when you were quiet," he retorts smartly, earning him a quick grin before Erwin pulls him closer to his chest, and Levi can't breathe for a moment. "Erwin?"

"Mmm?"

"What are you doing?" he asks, a little bit scared now.

"Nothing," he replies, but his hands that wrap around his back show no indications of doing 'nothing'. Levi is too startled to move, and only shoves him when the first kiss is planted on his head.

"What _the hell_ are you trying to do?" he demands, his eyes burning in their sockets. He scoots backwards and stands up carefully, running a hand through his hair but his scalp _itches_ where Erwin's lips were less than a minute before. "Get _away,_ " he hisses, forgetting this is the first night amongst many that hasn't been completely sleepless and empty.

"Levi, I didn't mean anything by-"

"No, stop. Stop talking, stop right now." He rests his head in one hand, trying to collect his thoughts. "I'm not- _we're_ not like that. We're just... _not._ "

Erwin looks hurt, but he doesn't speak. He sits up halfway now, blanket falling down his chest and Levi tries to forget he was lying against it for who knows how many hours. He's probably missing a lecture right now, he's _definitely_ missing _something,_ so why isn't he just leaving?

"Levi I-"

" _Stop!_ I already said don't talk, so don't." His face is heating up now, not in embarrassment but in anger. Surprisingly enough, Erwin's expression mirrors his almost perfectly.

"So you're rejecting me then, fine, I get it. But don't you _dare_ pretend you weren't leading me on," he accuses him, his tone scalding.

"Leading you on? What the _hell are you talking about?_ " Levi growls, his voice rising. " _How the hell was I leading you on?"_

"Don't play innocent, Levi. You show up here all the time for _months_ , you give me your number, and then you come in the middle of the night and literally _beg_ me to sleep in the same bed as you. _Come on,_ " he says sarcastically, throwing an arm in the air. "Was that just because that's what people do normally? I thought you _knew._ "

"Knew what?" he demands.

" _That I was interested!_ " Erwin bellows, standing up to face him now, still clutching a sheet in his left hand. His size gives him a new level of intimidation, but if Levi is fazed in the slightest, he doesn't show it at all.

"You said you had a _girlfriend!_ " Levi exclaims. "Doesn't the word _girl_ mean anything, or can it not get through your thick skull?"

" _That's not related!_ " Erwin shouts back, his face a brilliant red all of a sudden. "It has nothing to do with this!"

"It has _everything to do with this!_ " Levi is shaking now, but he knows he's hit a nerve and he digs into it. "What, did she dump you because you have no _fucking respect?_ Or was she an even bigger asshole than you?"

" _Shut up!_ " he roars, and the room is completely, deafeningly silent.

Neither one speaks. Between the angry glares, the tension is thick enough to cut with a knife until Levi spins on his heel and leaves the room. Erwin storms after him, throwing the blanket on the floor.

"Where _the fuck_ do you think you're going?" he snarls. " _I'm not done yet!_ "

"Fuck you," Levi says emotionlessly. He hears laughter in the back of his mind, and he'd like nothing better than to squash it down like he does the rest of his thoughts. For some reason he can't. _Attachment is weakness. We told you so._ "I'm going home."

" _You can't-!_ "

"I can and I _will,_ " he states simply, pulling his shoes on. Erwin reaches over andflicks the lock on the door closed, and Levi glares at him. "What the fuck are you doing, Smith?"

"You can't," he says, calming down considerably. Before Levi can protest, he's up against the door, arms pinned above his head and one of Erwin's thighs between his legs, holding them in place. Levi looks like he's ready to murder someone on the other hand. His eyes are livid,  two wildfires burning a hole right through him.

"I'm sorry." Erwin says, refusing to make eye contact.

"You'd better fucking not Smith," he warns.

"I'm sorry," he repeats. Erwin kisses him anyways, their teeth gnashing together in an uncomfortable mess. It breaks a moment later, Levi's face a mix of surprise and disgust.

He drops him and backs away, Levi staring blankly at him a moment. He whips around and unlocks the door as soon as he's regained his senses, flinging it open and racing down the stairs. Erwin hears the entrance door slam shut a second later, and staggers backwards until he collapses against the wall. His mouth is still tingling and he touches his lips halfmindedly.

 

* * *

 

 _Won't you answer me?_ his phone teases with each buzz. Levi ignores it, his arms wrapped around his torso as he marches down the street. He's shivering, but he's almost home anyways, so it doesn't matter much either way. He wishes he'd remembered his sweater, then suddenly he's glad he didn't. _Attachment leads to weakness. Weakness leads to pain. I can't be attached to anyone._

Now he remembered exactly why he made the rules to begin with.

**Author's Note:**

> Been working on this on and off since September about. Not sure if I'll have chapter two out for a long long time but it is coming eventually. (I think. I like angsty endings/cliffhangers though haha sorry.)


End file.
